Tantra & Anorgasmia For Women and Men
Updated: Aug 2, 2021
Anorgasmia is the medical term for the incapability of achieving an orgasm after regular sexual activity and stimulation, and can be experienced by both genders. Negative mental triggers are major contributors to Anorgasmia. This could be due to the fear or anxiety of sex. Fear or anxiety of sex can be caused by past trauma, due to low self – esteem and insecurities, due to hostility towards the partner caused by relationship issues, or due to communication issues during sex where one is not able to ask for what pleases them.
Anorgasmia takes a mental toll on both partners in a long term relationship. The partner experiencing Anorgasmia would feel incapable and non –worthy of a relationship alongside so much other mental pain. The individual involved with an Anorgasmic partner generally feels helpless and incapable to fulfill their partner both emotionally and physically.
Anorgasmia is an umbrella term for subsets that include 'lifelong', where a person cannot climax at all; and 'acquired', when the ability comes and goes. 'Situational anorgasmia depends on partners and stimuli', and 'generalised' denotes being unable to orgasm in any situation or with any partner, according to Mayo Clinic. Causes of the condition can range from diseases including diabetes to multiple sclerosis, gynecological issues, medication, smoking, drinking and ageing. Psychological triggers can include anxiety, low-self esteem, feelings of guilt, abuse, and the fear of pregnancy and STIs. Cognitive behavioral therapy, sex therapy and medication can be used to treat anorgasmia.
The types of Anorgasmia: Primary anorgasmy: refers to women who have never had an orgasm, either during masturbation, oral sex or intercourse. Female ejaculation (or squirting) may possibly occur.
Secondary anorgasmy: this disorder occurs when orgasms have been experienced with normality but then suddenly, or progressively, stop.
Absolute anorgasmy: refers to women who are unable to reach orgasm with any kind of stimulation (using self-stimulation or sex toys or during sex as a couple)
Relative anorgasmy: in this case the woman is unable to climax in a particular way; for example, coital anorgasmy (a very common problem with sexual partners).
Situational anorgasmy: this is used to describe women who can only have orgasms in certain situations, or even with particular people.
If you cannot orgasm from penetration alone but can orgasm in other ways – from oral sex, masturbation, vibrator use, or clitoral stimulation during penetration – this is not anorgasmia. Too many women (and their partners) believe they should be able to orgasm from intercourse alone. The reality is – intercourse alone often does not give the clitoris enough pressure or friction to orgasm.
How can Tantra combats Anorgasmia?
Tantric touch sexual healing sessions employs the ancient art of Tantra to help women, men and couples with sexual problems such as Anorgasmia.
Anorgasmia takes a mental toll on both partners in a long-term relationships. Sufferers tend to feel incapable and unworthy of a satisfying sex life along with so much other mental pain. An Anorgasmic sufferer's partner generally feels helpless and incapable of fulfilling their partner both emotionally and physically.
The essence of Tantric sexual healing is to change out the mental debris that inhibits you from systematically achieving climax, given the right circumstances.
One healing method used is bodywork. Our body holds negative programing that cause these negative mental triggers. Bodywork reprograms the body’s cells and memory to a positive state to only accommodate positive mental triggers. The more positive body cells you have, the shorter will be the road to realizing your full orgasmic potential.
The fact that a man doesn't ejaculate doesn't necessarily indicate a problem. He might not ejaculate for a number of reasons: maybe he's not getting the kind of stimulation he wants; there isn't enough lubrication; he's anxious. Another reason might be that he's so focused on his partner's experience that he doesn't have enough awareness of his own. As men get older, reflexes slow down. People need to accept that this can be a normal variation. If the problem is caused by medication such as an antidepressant, the person may need to look at switching medications. A lot of times, not ejaculating is emotional - a trauma from childhood or a previous relationship, performance anxiety, resentment or fear.
Often, women are expected to reach orgasm by way of intercourse, an unlikely outcome except for a minority of women. As clitoral stimulation is required for 80% of women. Since the clitoris is so important to reaching orgasm, women who previously suffered from anorgasmia were cured by the widespread availability and permission to use a vibrator during sex. If you think you suffer from anorgasmia and have not yet tried this, this is a great place to start!
Female sexuality is primarily ruled by the woman's comfort with her own body, her happiness with her partner and her ability to get out of her head and into her body sensations. Although women will not always reach orgasm despite the best of stimulation, they will feel fully satisfied because of the shared time and space with their partner.
Through tantra and inquiry into conscious sexuality this is no longer the whole of my sexual experience. I now know many different forms of pleasure and orgasm – ripples / waves / peak / multiple / ejaculatory – both with partners, and with myself. I also know meditative and orgasmic experiences from subtle bliss through to earthquakes, that have ripped apart any former sense of who I am and how I experience my reality .
Tantra in Sanskrit is ‘expansion through awareness’. An ancient Eastern traditional art of lovemaking that started thousands of years ago, Tantra teaches you to get closer to your partner by generating powerful surges of sexual energy throughout your body by honoring you and your partner and to take a path to deeper intimacy and higher state of ecstatic consciousness.
Tantra involves meditation, breathing techniques, mantras and yoga postures. All these recollect the body’s energy to harness sexual energy to connect to the Source or Divine bringing about a sense of Self.
Meditation is good as it silences your mind making you more aware and connected to everything around you including your partner. This includes awareness of the breath – which is the basis of all meditation. Breathing allows the calibrated flow of blood circulation and flow of Prana – ‘Life Energy’. Yoga postures detoxify your body’s muscles by releasing tissue and muscle toxins which relaxes your body and creates a more mind – body awareness. Mantras are sound used to normalize different energy centers in the body.
The client's are not always offered massage directly; instead they are given meditation and breathing techniques (pranayamas). Eventually, they will invite you to masturbate while they witness and coach you through the process. Often these tantric methods result in great progress and improvement. Later on, once the client is ready, they move up to the level of tantric massage. This may include yoni or lingam massage, which works on sexual energy. It unblocks and releases emotions, traumas and fears that may be deeply embedded in the mind or the body.They may also offer touch-based bodywork, teaching you to receive pleasure and orgasm from someone else’s touch.
So instead of being present and enjoying the sensations in your body - like the feeling of fingertips, lips or a tongue running along your skin - your brain can take you to the future and let you experience the emotions that you are worrying about.
Try to remain present in this moment - where you are having fun! Have a little chat with yourself in your head. Think about what is happening, like your own sex narrator. What do you like? Does it feel good? Does your partner look good? What parts of them do you want to touch next? By focusing on sensation and feeling, you pull yourself back into the present.
Another tip, is to make sex less goal driven. This means that when you engage with your partner, don’t set the standard of having to reach an orgasm that is the end result of why you engage in sex. If what you are doing feels good, and you like it, then it's ok! That actually qualifies as good sex! Taking the pressure off both men and women to orgasm is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.
Looking into our partner’s eyes. When kissing, hugging, or in sexual play, we often close our eyes. If done sporadically, closing our eyes allows us to savor the touch, smell, and flavor of our lover better. But if we keep our eyes closed for most of our sexual intimacy, something else may be at play. Even if we don’t realize it, we often close our eyes to withdraw from the experience. Setting aside the cases where we’re having uncomfortable sexual experiences—in which, the best thing we can do is stop them—we may unconsciously want to escape from: intense pleasure, intimacy, deeper connection.
When we make love while looking deeply into our partner’s eyes, this generates an incredibly deep connection. So, every now and then, it’s good to remind ourselves and our partners to make eye contact and connect through the eyes, the “windows to the soul.”
Forgetting about orgasm. This may sound really counter-intuitive. After all, orgasms are beautiful experiences and we all kind of want more of them. And isn’t sex about getting to the point where we experience orgasm? Moreover, the paradox of orgasm is that it is very much like sleep: the more you seek it, the less likely you are to find it. Being orgasm-focused can turn our sexual experience into a marathon where each partner tries to cross the finish line first. This goal-oriented attitude prevents us from focusing on the present moment, and it can put ourselves and our partners under the pressure of “achieving it.” Learning to enjoy sexual pleasure with or without orgasm is a fantastic skill that, by the way, will help in having deeper and more frequent orgasms!
Taking pauses. lovemaking is not a marathon. There is no need to hurry. If we have time (and we do need time if we are going to enjoy intimacy), taking a pause from lovemaking and then starting again is a delicious, juicy practice. We sometimes don’t take pauses because we are afraid that, if we stop even for a minute, the sexual connection will disappear. This is almost never the case. Pauses are delicious moments to connect on other levels: talk, hug, meditate together, or simply lay and rest. There’s no need to be shy of asking for a pause if we need one, nor to be offended if our partner asks for one.
Water Water reminds us that we are feeling, intuitive and sensual beings. It invites us to notice where we have frozen, buried, detached from or held back the flow of our emotional states. It invites us open to deeper feeling and sensual flow.
How this might look in a session – I may flow oil over yoni (the vulva), and stroke her one hand flowing endlessly after the other. I may do just this and nothing else. I call it stroking the yoni ? – a title that invites us as the giver (or if giving to ourselves) to let go of an aim. We aren’t doing anything, we have no goal, we are just hanging out comfortably stroking – the cat may purrrrrr, but that is not our aim.
In this touch I will also focus on intending a feeling state to flow from my heart through my hands. This may be comfort, love, safety – whatever it is that I intuit yoni is calling for. Again coming back to the wounded child, rather than dragging her off to face that peak again, we are just hanging out in a comfortable way, inviting opening and flow back into her being, and listening to how she is feeling.
Once offering this invitation to “emotions flowing” touch in a session, an image arose within me of the recipient feeling really free and happy walking across open moors. I focused all my attention on the feelings generated by this image, and imagined them flowing through my hands into the receiver.
At the end of the session the receiver said “I feel great, really free just like I feel when walking out in nature – only the feeling of freedom is in my sex!” – I hadn’t said anything about the image I had seen, or the feeling tone I had intended through my touch. There was no need to, what we think and feel when we touch – whether consciously or not – will on some level be perceived and felt by the receiver.
Earth reminds us of embodiment and grounding in our physical being. Think structure, muscles and bones . Its a remembering of our flesh and the processes of our body: lungs breathing, heart beating, gut digesting, intestines shitting etc. Its also an invitation to breathe our way back into our bodies, when through trauma or fear we may have vacated them. When intending to touch with an earth quality in my session, I switch my focus to give deep attention to the structures underlying the skin. I feel the earthiness of my own body and being, as well as of that which I am touching.
In earth we explore a conceptualization of what’s deep inside beyond the skin, slowly investigating through fingertips and holding in each area, till each area is clearly known and experienced. As we touch and hold, we may find that what we first perceived as numbness becomes heat, or pain, or grief waiting to be released.
Sometimes I might simply hold and gently rock the frame of the body, at the sacrum, pelvic bone, or ribs. You don’t need to be a massage expert to touch in this way. Though study will probably help you feel more confident, the quality of presence, focused attention and intention is far more important.
Air reminds us of the soul or breath of life. It reminds us that we are more than this physical form: we are energy bodies with more space than matter in each of our cells. We are vibrations talking to one another, just as multiple violin strings hum in resonance. And we are also our thoughts, conceptualizations, imagination and fantasy.
Air as touch, is feather light. It can be great for re-sensitizing our receptivity all over, when we have desensitized through chasing the peak orgasm. A feather light touch across the whole body can be very sensual, in order to be so we will need to deeply listen and breathe into the lightness of sensation.
Additionally in air, we might explore enjoyment of sexual energy that is aroused through just our breath as in the Firebreath practice (see below for resources). Where we have become stuck in fixed patterns in our physical form, it might be easiest first to contact our pleasure in the unlimited forms of our energy body. In energy orgasm practice for instance, we may experience waves of orgasm fully clothed as someone moves the energy through our aura or light body (see links at the end if you are not sure what this is).
In the world of neo tantra – thoughts or “mind” are often seen as the enemy. In my shamanic teachings though, the mind has a place just like everything else, on the wheel. In the element of air we address the unseen beyond the physical, so might also explore what conceptualizations or images of eroticism limit us, and which expand us.
Fire reminds us that we are passionate sexy beings, alive with purpose. Awakening heat, turning up the temperature, finding our creative sparks, our vitality – allowing ourselves to be outrageously sexy… Also allowing ourselves also to be really clear, focused and definite, burning through that which limits us to forge something new.
In terms of touch, fire tends to be more vigorous and deliberately arousing. In tantra, we let go of an arguably patriarchal peak orgasm model, to explore a model of opening that tends to get ascribed to the feminine (though anyone of any gender can experience it). This opening is more slow and organic – it has a naturally opening quality like the petals of a flower opening to the sun.