The 5 Love Languages
I love the love languages. I love learning others, exploring mine, seeing how they shift as we grow and change, how our relationships and experiences mold us. How they present in all of our relationships, not just romantic. It helps me understand so much about the people around me.
Your love language refers to the ways in which people give and receive love in their lives.
Although this includes romantic love, it may also affect how we prefer to give and receive love in friendships and other relationships too. They can also shed light on your personal habits or behavior that might not seem to be linked to love languages or relationships at all.
For example, your love language could be linked to self-destructive habits. If your preferred love language is words of affirmation, you might be prone to negative self-talk, or if your love language is gifts, you may tend to over-spend. That's just one of the many ways people might use love languages to learn more about relationships and their own mental health.
Not sure what your love language is? Here's what you need to know about the five love languages, including love language examples, how to determine yours, and other insights and relationships
One of the most common relationship issues people face today is the struggle to express love in intentional and meaningful ways nearly everyone wants to show their partner that they care. Yet, many people struggle to do it in a way that speaks to their heart. If you find that this describes your situation, you may want to learn more about the Five Love Languages. History has shown that learning how your partner receives love will help you know the best way to demonstrate your love and caring.
The history of the five love languages The love language concept comes from the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which was first published in 1992. In it, he describes the most common ways that people communicate love, based on his experience in marriage counseling and linguistics.
Everyone has a different idea of how to express love to those around them, The trick is avoiding language barriers when your love language differs from that of your partner, family, or friend.
Couples need to find balance and harmony given their respective styles and differences to make sure they speak the language of love, The dark side of knowing each other’s love languages is that you also become equipped with the knowledge of how you might hurt your partner,”. In the case of someone who speaks gifts as their love language, "not getting them a gift on an anniversary or special occasion would be acutely hurtful to them, as would approaching the gift-giving as more a chore than an opportunity.
What are the five love languages?
Acts of service
As much as I express love through spoiling loved ones with gifts and affection, when it comes to receiving love it’s a whole different language altogether.
As someone who values actions over words, it makes complete sense that the action-oriented love language of “acts of service” ranks at the top of my list.
"Some of us prefer to express our appreciation through various acts of service, like running errands for our partners," Hafeez says. This love language essentially refers to the things loved ones do for each other to make their lives easier.
When someone's primary love language is acts of service, they feel loved and appreciated when people do nice things for them. Whether it's helping with the dishes or putting gas in the car, little acts of service go straight to the person's heart. They love when people do little things for them and often can be found doing little things for others.
As experts explain, if your partner’s preferred language is acts of service, they will feel your love through the things you do, not the words you say. When you do something that seems to go above and beyond, they will feel cared for and respected in the relationship.
t’s one thing to be there for them when it’s needed most, it’s another to continuously commit to an expectation your partner has that you’re not comfortable with.
While you won’t always be uber excited about helping them paint the bedroom apartment or watch a cheesy action flick with them, the most important thing is that you choose to do it because you want to, not because you’re forced to.
The gestures should come from a place of love, not guilt or resentment.
That being said, the acts of service love language is more than just doing your part in the relationship. A partner with this love language doesn’t want you to simply uphold your duties in the relationship; they want you to go that extra mile to do something that makes their life easier.
It should be something unexpected that your partner doesn’t always have to ask you to do. For example, you may surprise them by getting the kids up and ready for school and letting them have a little extra time to sleep in.
The acts of service love language comes down to this fact- for some people, actions truly are louder than words.
If your partner prefers to receive love through acts of service, you have probably heard them talk about the fact that actions speak louder, and at the end of the day, they will appreciate any acts you do that make their life easier.
A simple way to determine how you can be most loving and helpful toward your partner is to ask, “Would it help if I do _____ for you?” This allows you to determine what acts of service are most meaningful to them.
Another important truth to understand about the acts of service love language is that while a partner with this love language appreciates having nice things done for them, they do not enjoy asking for help.
This can be rather paradoxical; your partner wants you to help, but they want you to do so without them making any demands, as they do not want to burden you with their requests. If your partner seems to have the acts of service love language, you may want to make a habit out of asking them what you can do to help.
It is also beneficial if you can pay close attention to their daily needs, habits, and preferences so you can determine easy ways to jump in and help without being asked.
In summary, here are four signs that your partner prefers the acts of service love language:
They appear especially appreciative when you surprise them by doing something nice for them.
They comment that actions speak louder than words.
They seem relieved when you take a burden off of their shoulders, whether it is taking out the trash or running an errand for them on the way home from work.
They may never ask for your help, but they tend to complain that you never jump in to make things easier for them. there are some acts of service ideas you can put into place to make life easier for them and to communicate your love.
If she is always the one to get up early with the kids on a Saturday morning, let her sleep in while you make pancakes and entertain the kids with cartoons.
While she is working late or running the kids to their activities, go ahead and fold that load of laundry she started earlier in the day.
Ask her if there is anything you can stop and pick up at the store for her on the way home from work.
Pick up their favorite snack when shopping for groceries
Organizing the garage, so he has one less thing to do this weekend.
Taking his car through the car wash when you are out running errands.
Putting the trash out at the curb before he wakes up in the morning.
If he is usually the one to walk the dog every evening, take over this task when he is having a particularly busy day
Fix breakfast to serve in bed before they wake up
Help take off their shoes
Randomly take them out to their favorite restaurant after a long day sy day.
Book a massage during vacation so they can relax
Take care of the family and give them the day off
Do their preferred date activity, even if it's not your first choice
Give them a massage when they're feeling stressed
Help out with a home improvement project
Pick up a guilty pleasure snack as a surprise
Make a cup of coffee in the morning
Clean the cat's litter
Learn their favorite recipe for a surprise date
Tidy up their personal space and put everything back exactly where they like it
Cook an old family recipe when they're feeling homesick
Draw a bath for them
Wait to watch the show on Netflix so you can binge it together
Encourage them to do something for them, like seeing their friends or doing an activity they like but don't do often
Create a self-care or workout playlist for them to listen to when they take time to relax
Show interest in their hobby by attending an event they care about
Run their errands for them
Do their least favorite chore out of the blue, once in a while
Give them the last slice of dessert
Tune up their bike
Bring snacks for a long car trip
Take time to help them with a project
Offer to tutor them with any homework assignments
Cook a comforting meal when they're sick
Get something they need while you're out
Help them clean up after they make dinner
Help each other stay healthy and safe
Give them a ride when they need it
Plan out fun activities for the family vacation
Break down boxes and put them away in the recycling
Do small handyman projects around the house
Pick them up at the airport
Plug in their phone charger for them when it's dead
Pet-sit for them
Take care of their house when they're on vacation
Run errands together
Go with them to an event they've been wanting to go to
Take the time to visit them, especially if they don't live close to you
Take out the trash
Help them out with technical issues, e.g., printer jams, computer problems
Act as a sounding board when they are venting or stressed
Water their plants if they forget to
Install needed software on their work computer
Help gather information and do some research for their project
Receiving Acts of Service
While it is important to know what to do if your partner prefers acts of service love language, there is also advice for those whose own love language is acts of service.
Perhaps you delight in acts of service love language, but you and your partner are having a hard time understanding each other. Maybe your partner isn’t giving you what you need, or the two of you might be frustrated over miscommunications in the relationship.
If this is the case, it can be helpful to be more clear with your partner about what you need. You cannot expect your partner to read your mind.
As experts explain, you should not feel guilty about asking for what you need. If you prefer acts of service and your partner isn’t giving you what you need, it is time to ask!
Specify what would be most helpful to you, whether it is asking your partner to run the kids to soccer practice this week or requesting that they share in more household chores.
If you haven’t had a conversation about it already, you may have to simply explain to your partner that your preferred love language is acts of service and that this is particularly important to you.
If you feel that you are not receiving acts of service from your partner, it could simply be that your expectations are too high.
For instance, you may expect that your partner should just inherently know how to give acts of service to you, but if you are not asking them or communicating what you need, this expectation can lead to problems.
You cannot assume that your partner knows what you need, so it is important to communicate, so your partner is prepared to give the acts of service you would most like to receive.
Finally, once your partner does demonstrate an act of service, be sure to express gratitude for what they have done for you. 1. Creatively anticipate their needs.
"Look out for the small things that would brighten their day by meeting a future needs of theirs such as packing them an umbrella when it might rain or bringing snacks to a long event," Yakubov suggests. Broaden what you can do for them by filtering it through what they would appreciate. By focusing too much on fulfilling stereotypical domestic responsibilities, we run the risk of missing out on what they really need.
2. Be hypervigilant and listen to their complaints.
People tend to criticize their spouse the loudest in the area where they have an emotional need. If that's the case, what do you notice they complain about the most? How can you bring support to those areas?
3. Consider what you naturally bring to the table.
It could be helpful to have them write out a weekly list. Better yet, Yakubov says, "Ask them what tasks or activities they struggle with, or where they get frustrated, to see the areas where you can provide help." If you're specialized or naturally equipped with skills that your partner is lacking to fulfill some practical obligations, that's a great place to step in.
4. Show gratitude for their acts of service for you.
"Express your appreciation for their acts of service toward you. Even if their love language is not words of affirmation, showing their actions are noticed and appreciation goes a long way," she says. It's always good to practice showing our partner love in a multitude of ways.
5. Follow through on your commitments.
Since they're hyperfocused on acts of service, they want to know they can rely on their partner to see the commitment through. If it doesn't happen, they can become resentful or disappointed. If they ask you to help with something and you agree, make sure you deliver on the promise.
Gifts
Giving or receiving gifts is a somewhat straightforward love language. People value the thought and effort that goes into the gift-giving process. "People who speak this language cherish the gift and the time and thought put into the gift," Hafeez adds.
To a person whose love language is receiving gifts, gift-giving is symbolic of love and affection in their mind. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift giver put into it. What's more, they do not necessarily expect large or expensive gifts, the love language receiving gifts is more what is behind the gift that appeals to them.
In other words, when you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it communicates to them that you really know them. Additionally, people with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.
Of all the love languages, the act of gift giving is arguably the most often misconstrued. To some, it can seem greedy or as if the recipient is fixated on things versus love itself. That’s not the case.
“If you or your partner’s love language is gifts, that means you feel loved [or that you’re demonstrating love] with a tangible item,” says Williams. “Whether that item is a tiny trinket from a thrift store, or a 50-foot sailboat is inconsequential. Either convey the same message: I was thinking about you when I saw this. You’re always on my mind.”
In that sense, Williams explains that the true meaning of gift giving isn’t extravagance, it’s sentimentality. A person who feels loved through these items might cherish the gift, however small, more than another who speaks a different love language. Every time they see it, it will serve as a reminder that they are loved. The feeling of receiving a gift hand-picked to make you smile is truly unrivaled. It’s a fantastic way to show our loved ones how much we care. Let’s all be more intentional about gifting presents that speak to the soul.
That is to say that the gift giving love language isn’t all about the item being offered or received. The actual value of gift giving lies in the gesture per se, as a way of showing that your partner has been on your mind, that the preferences they voice are heard, and that their smile is invaluable.
Listen carefully to your significant other. What is their favourite chocolate flavour? What is their favourite colour? Is there any item that they fantasize about but didn’t get round to buying for themselves?
Make a list of all these items and/or preferences as they are voiced and use it to make decisions when buying them a gift.
Educate yourself to think of gift giving not in terms of material/practical value, but in terms of sentimental expression. A well timed, thoughtful trinket says “I love you” more loudly than an expensive but impersonal gift.
Make a habit of gift giving, as opposed to using it to patch up your relationship when things are difficult. For example, a small gift offered out of the blue for no reason other than to make your partner smile goes a longer way than an extravagant gift meant to earn you forgiveness for a mistake you’ve made.
In addition to gifts centered on your partner’s needs and preferences, consider strengthening your relationship with gifts centered on you as a couple. Better Topics, our card game for couples, is a gift to your relationship. Your partner will appreciate you speaking the gift giving love language, as well as the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Do they seem to take pleasure in shopping so much that it feels like a hobby rather than a chore?
Do they enjoy offering gifts and put a lot of time and thought into creating memorable mementos for their loved ones?
Do they treasure gifts they received a long time ago because of the sentimental value they hold?
Do they collect souvenirs from every trip they go on?
Do they have a remarkable ability to pick the perfect gift in any situation?
Book a Bed & Breakfast.
Gift certificate for a favorite hobby (rock climbing) or tickets to a game.
Road trip plans.
Picnic at the park.
Favorite bottle of wine.
Massage oil.
Body lotion.
Bath bomb.
A new outfit.
Kama Sutra book.
Couple’s massage.
Couple’s body painting class.
Scrapbook of your love story.
An original poem.
Tickets to a concert with an artist that sings love songs.
Send a fun or funny gift for a non-holiday like April Fools Day or Halloween.
Buy a gift or experience related to their favorite hobby.
Offer to pick up the tab at lunch or coffee just because.
Give them a gift they could enjoy with a loved one like a child or partner.
Send a gift when someone is going through a difficult time like illness or loss.
Bring them their favorite flowers, just because
Buy them something they’ve been wanting for awhile
Send them a surprise package at work
Make them a mix CD and explain why you chose each song for them
Sign them up for a class they’ve been wanting to take
Physical touch
In a nutshell, the physical touch love language describes someone who feels most loved when receiving physical affection, whether it is in the form of hugs, kisses, hand-holding, sex, a massage, or a stroke on the arm.
People who prefer physical touch as their primary love language tend to enjoy all forms of touch, but it may be helpful to ask your partner how you can best show them an expression of love through physical touch because we all have unique preferences.
Physical signs of affection, like hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and having sex, are ways to connect and communicate appreciation for those who prefer this love language. "The love language physical touch includes those who require physical attention to express and know that they are loved," Hafeez says.
A person with this love language feels loved through physical affection. Aside from sex, those who have physical touch as their primary love language feel loved when their partner shows physical affection in some way like holding their hand, touching their arm, or giving them a massage at the end of the day. Additionally, their idea of a perfect date might include cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie. They simply want to be close to their partners physically
sexual expressions of love are used in most romantic relationships, but what if you live 100+ miles away from your partner? What if you and your partner are waiting to have sex? What if you’re not a touchy person? What if sexual intimacy is mentally challenging for you?
Despite what you may have learned about romantic love, sex isn’t everything in a relationship. It’s important, yes, but it isn’t the only physical expression of love.
“Physical touch, specifically cuddling, releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone that makes you feel like nothing can hurt you,” says Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and relationship coach. “In addition to the bonding [cuddling] creates between the couple, it also helps boost your immune system.”
Here are different ways to show intimate love through physical touch:
Kissing—You may feel like kissing has to lead to sex, but it doesn’t. Kissing is one of the easiest, most effective ways to show physical love to your partner. You can kiss their lips, their neck, their cheek, their forehead, their hand. In many cultures and throughout history, kissing is or has been shown as an act of respect, greeting, or affection. Kissing is used in all different types of relationships, romantic and non-romantic, and should be prioritized.
Holding hands—Who doesn’t love seeing a couple walking hand-in-hand down the street? Holding hands with your partner, in public or in private, is an easy gesture that can immediately release mood-boosting endorphins. Parents often hold their child’s hand for protective reasons, but also for physical connectedness. It is one of the best ways to show physical love to your partner.
Cuddling—Do you cuddle with your partner when you’re watching a movie? When you’re laying in bed? If you don’t, you should. Physically wrapping yourself around your partner can bring you closer together, physically and emotionally. Your partner may prefer being the “big” or “little” spoon, but try swapping roles or facing each other and seeing how that feels.
Skin-to-skin touching—Touching can be sexual, but it can also be non-sexual and still intimate. Dragging your fingertips across your partner’s back or neck can be an intimate expression of love. Touching your partner’s hair, holding the back of their neck, or even touching their bare leg can be an expressive way of telling your partner you’re there for them, you’re physically attracted to them, and/or you’re in love with them.
Some non-intimate touches can lead to intimacy, but can be a great alternative for couples who are looking for ways to express non-sexual love through physical touch:
Rubbing your partner’s back—When a friend is dealing with a difficult or upsetting situation, touching them is a normal reaction, and this form of touch can be just as effective in a romantic partnership. Rubbing your partner’s back, or massaging them, can signal to them that you’re there for them and that you love them. You can also rub their arm, their hand, or another part of the body. Just make sure you’re communicating with your partner and making sure they are comfortable with it.
Sitting side-by-side—Sitting close enough to be touching your partner is an easy way to signal that you love them. Maybe you’re out to dinner or maybe you’re at an event and you want to show your partner love, but don’t feel comfortable kissing them or holding their hand. Sitting with your hips or feet touching is a non-verbal way of connecting with your partner.
Tickling—Some individuals may not like to be tickled, but tickling is a physical expression of love. Not sure if your partner likes this? All you have to do is ask. Communication is an integral aspect of any successful relationship, even if your love language is physical touch.
Understanding the fundamentals of physical touches, such as the meaning behind it and what type of touch people tend to prefer, is helpful if your or your parent’s love language is physical touch. You may be wondering, for example, what holding hands means to a guy.
The answer is that if physical touch is his love language, holding hands in public will make him feel loved and safe. You may also wonder who is more likely to use touch as a means of communicating.
If you desire physical touch in your relationships, you may be wondering if the physical touch love language is your preferred way to receive an expression of love.
Consider the following signs that your love language is physical touch:
When a guy puts his arm around you in public, you feel absolutely elated.
You find yourself craving hugs and kisses, and you may even desire hugs from platonic friends.
You don’t feel connected to your partner unless you are having frequent sex.
Cuddling on the couch with your partner while watching a movie is more meaningful to you than being told, “I love you” or receiving flowers.
Public displays of affection, such as a kiss on the lips or putting your arms around each other, will not be embarrassing to you. In fact, you thrive on PDA.
If a guy initiates a hug, you find it to be cute, and it makes you feel cared for at the moment.
You can’t help but touch your partner when the two of you are together. You may find that without even thinking about it, you caress their hair, put your hand on their arm, or move closer to them.
You feel hurt when you are out with friends, and you notice a lack of touch from your partner.
If you are stressed, you instantly feel relieved when your partner touches you.
Going out on dates isn’t your favorite part of being in a relationship. Small things like laying your head on your partner’s shoulder and having someone to cuddle with at night are your favorite things.
You are happiest in a relationship where both of you are very “touchy.”
It seems weird to you to be on the couch or in bed with your partner and not be touching. In fact, you can perceive the lack of touch as being rejection.
You find yourself complaining to your partner that they never touch you enough. Dr. Gottman asserts that whatever you complain about to your partner indicates what your primary love language is.
You enjoy the idea of your partner massaging you or rubbing your feet.
When your partner initiates sex with you, you view it as a strong expression of love.
Quality time
Those who identify with this love language prioritize spending attentive time with their partner or loved one. People who rely on quality time to express their passion need undivided attention from their loved ones instead of a simple "I love you," according to Hafeez. Speaking this love language may look like identifying a favourite activity to do together, acknowledging it, and doing it together.
Love and affection are expressed through this love language when someone gives someone else their undivided attention. This means putting down the cell phone and turning off the tablet, making eye contact and actively listening. People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity. So, when you get together, they feel loved if you are present and focused on them. Make sure that you make eye contact, affirm what the other person is saying, and refrain from offering advice.
f you’re unsure as to whether you or your partner communicate love in terms of quality time, here are some telltale signs this is your native love language. You’re an excellent listener and always give others your undivided attention. You aren’t as susceptible to distractions as others, and you find it easy to focus. You prefer not to be alone and think most activities are more fun with others involved. You always make time for your loved ones, even if you’re not physically with them. You enjoy sharing new experiences with others more than receiving physical gifts.
Make Eye Contact
When it comes to quality time, eye contact is the gateway to loving your quality time partner. In fact, maintaining eye contact tells your partner that they have your full attention, which will make them feel loved, important, and understood. It also communicates that you care about what they have to say.
But when you are distracted and scrolling through your phone while your partner talks about their day, they will feel like you just don't care about what they have to say and more importantly, that you just don't care about them.
Use Active Listening Skills
Active listening is one of the most loving things you can do for your partner, but for many people this does not come naturally. Instead, most people think about their own thoughts and opinions more than they think about their partner's.
When quality time people are talking, try the following active listening skills:
Focus on what they are saying.
Lean in slightly.
Affirm what they are saying.
Ask thoughtful questions.
Avoid trying to offer advice, unless they ask for it.
Try putting yourself in their shoes, or thinking about how you might feel in the same situation.
Focus on Quality, Not Quantity
When it comes to quality time, it's not about the amount of time you spend together but instead the quality of your interactions that count. And with so much going on in your life, carving out a few minutes for a meaningful and uninterrupted conversation can be a wonderful way to show the person you love that you care.
The key is that you take the time to enjoy one another's company, even if it is just sitting on the couch enjoying a cup of coffee before work. Remember, it's not about the quantity of time you spend together, but instead about the quality of time.
Be Present and Available
When your partner is feeling insecure or going through a tough time at work, you can really show you care by simply being there and spending some quality time together. Even though you won't be able to take all the discomfort away—nor should you be expected to—you will be able to demonstrate that you are present and available whenever they need you.
Stay in the Moment
For people whose primary love language is quality time, they never lose sight of the fact that time is limited and tomorrow is not promised. As a result, they view time together as a priceless gift that they want to give and receive in relationships. To them, life is about being in the moment more than it is about what you are doing. It's also about prioritizing the people you love over everything else.
Take Interest in What They Are Passionate About
People who love quality time will want to talk to you about the things that interest them. Depending on their personality type, this can be about their friends, politics, and entertainment. Try to take an active interest in what they have to say.
When someone has this love language, they can easily tell when people are no longer interested in the conversation.
Don’t be that person. Make sure your partner feels like they have been heard. Contributing to the conversation will only make things sweeter.
Going hiking together
Watching the sunset together
Go on a mountain hike
Visit a park together
Have pillow talks
Go on a picnic
Play an online game together
Try cooking a meal together
Play a sport together
Have a workout session together
Read books together
Have conversations about beautiful memories
Words of affirmation
People who prefer this love language value verbal and/or written communication and acknowledgment. Those who speak this language prefer to express and receive their love through spoken words, rather than just spending time together, per Hafeez.
In simple terms, the words of affirmation love language is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement. They also enjoy uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person's day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.
For people who gravitate toward words of affirmation, they find fulfillment through positive reinforcement via compliments or praise that shines light on something they did or who they are as a person. To some, words may not seem that meaningful, but to people whose love language is words of affirmation, underneath each word is an ocean of meaning and significance that is working to either strengthen or weaken the relationship's bonds.
What matters is that you are tending to your words with care and getting down to the root of why you love your partner when you speak.
Humility
If you’re having a hard time saying sorry, a note is a great way to do so. And there’s nothing like a humble heart to break down a wall between two people.
Examples of words of humility:
I regret/I’m sorry for . . .
Next time, I’ll try to . . .
I could’ve done ___ better today . . .
You must have been (upset, confused, etc.) when I . . .
Gratitude & Appreciation
Be specific. It’s a wonderful gift to show the other person how much you care about his or her unique role in your life. In addition to your significant other, this also applies to your parents, friends, and colleagues.
Examples of words of appreciation:
I appreciate that you . . .
I couldn’t ___ today if it weren’t for you . . .
I am thankful that you . . .
I’m glad to have you as my (mom, sister, friend, etc.) because . . .
Encouragement
Who knew that taking a minute to give someone a little encouragement could change a person’s entire attitude for the rest of the day?
Examples of words of encouragement:
I believe in you because . . .
It impressed me when you . . .
The good news is . . .
When you need something to lift your spirits, just remember that . .
Empathy
A great way to empathize with someone’s emotions, even if you don’t quite understand them, is to reflect on what they may be feeling or thinking. Paraphrase what you can tell they might be going through.
Examples of words of empathy:
It must be really tough that you . . .
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to . . .
That sounds . . . Is that right?
I could see how you would feel that way because . . .
Respect & Admiration
Show your loved one that you respect him or her by speaking politely and giving compliments. Be specific and sincere. When you do disagree on something, refrain from making judgmental statements. Reach out by asking questions or offering to talk about it more instead. In the end, it’s OK to have differences. As an act of love, words of affirmation should be focused on the other person, not on yourself.
Examples of words of respect:
Great job . . .
I’m so thankful to have you in my life because . . .
I wish I could ___ the way you do.
It makes me happy when you . . .
I’m proud of you for . . .
Here are a few tips to keep in mind for using words of affirmation:
1. Express them often.
Take the time to be verbose without being disingenuous or saying things for the sake of saying them. If you see a moment to encourage them in some way, go for it. Chapman likens love languages to the analogy of filling a love tank. Think about it this way: By refueling their appetite for affirmation (with the right fuel!), they will be overflowing with gratitude and approach the relationship from an expansive place when they feel supported.
2. If saying them out loud is hard, write them out.
If it's hard to tell them in person, you can always use the written word or texts so it gives you more time to measure out your words in an impactful way. The act of crafting a highly specific and personalized message matters more than repeating a line you heard in a movie or copy and pasting a poem you found online. They will value it infinitely more when it comes from the heart.
3. Words are everything. Both good and bad.
"Words matter; that means the good ones, as well as the hurtful ones," DeMarco says. "People are sensitive to what's being said, not just how it comes out. Meaning is everything, so choose your words carefully and mindfully in the moment. Slow down. Think before you speak. Choose your words wisely." If you must say something negative, try couching your constructive comments in between compliments so they are able to hear it without being defensive.
4. Be authentically yourself.
If they chose you as a partner, that means they are already in love with who you are as a person. If you aren't a natural wordsmith, don't sweat it. It's normal to be tongue-tied if you aren't naturally expressive with your words. DeMarco suggests being yourself. Get creative, be funny, and express yourself, in your voice. "Show that you know them specifically, what they need to feel loved. Love is not a one-size-fits-all. Pay attention to what your partner responds to," she says.
5. Know what words your partner likes most.
"The trick with words of affirmation is understanding what kind of positive phrases speak directly to your partner," Di Leo says. Some people prefer statements that aren't directed at their appearance and prefer to be celebrated for their contributions, or they may want more acknowledgment on a day-to-day level. It's important to move away from the generalities of the theory and focus on being hyper-targeted with your partner so you can show up in your partnership the way that they need you to, on an individual level.
6. Think outside of the box.
Put Post-it notes on the mirror, send them a sweet text message, or write them a silly little song. "Not only will your partner be appreciative, but they will also remember it as being brave and heartfelt," says DeMarco. "While your partner's need for words is not necessarily your natural strength of comfort zone, they won't expect perfection. Rather, they'll be appreciative of your effort that much more."
some affirmative phrases that will make people whose love language is words of affirmation feel loved and secure:
I love you.
You are so special to me.
After all of this time, I'm still so crazy for you.
It really impressed me when you…
I couldn't have done ____ without you.
You inspire me to….
Did I tell you how grateful I am that you are my partner?
You deserve all of the praise at work. I see how hard you've been working.
I just wanted to let you know I'm proud of you.
I really appreciate you when you do...
I am here if you need me. I'm always in your corner supporting you.
I feel so loved when you...
I am proud of you because...
I want to take the time to thank you for how hard you work around our home.
You look amazing. Is that a new outfit?
I am proud of you for always trying your best, whatever it is.
It makes my heart melt watching you take care of ____.
I value you doing _____ when you are tired.
Thank you for being so sweet and loving to my family and friends.
I'm the happiest when you make me laugh.
You have the cutest crinkles when you smile.
I find you so attractive and gorgeous.
I'm lucky that you are my partner.
I love our beautiful life together.
I love how your eyes sparkle when you...
Thank you for making me feel safe and loved.
You did such a great job doing ____. Tell me more about it.
I just want to let you know how proud of you I am.”
“You work really hard for us, and even when things may feel tough, I just want you to know how appreciative I am.”
“I feel so lucky to have you.”
“I am here if you need me and I want to help support you in any way I can.”
“You’re doing such a great job. I’m really proud of you.”
“Wow! You look so good! I really love the new outfit. It looks great on you!”
